By: Kenneth Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP
As parents, we want to protect our children from all discomfort. At the same time, we know that preparing them to deal with challenges is important. It builds their
resilience and offers the best lifelong protection.
Preparing for unpredictable challenges
When parents know precisely the problem to face, they can make an action plan to help their child learn about and manage it. However, in unpredictable or uncertain times, it is harder for parents to know the best way to prepare their child.
Sometimes we go through uncertain times as a nation. Sometimes, uncertainty is felt most fully in your community or family. The only thing fully predictable in life is that we all will experience curveballs in our life. Humans have long experienced periods of uncertainty, and we can draw from our collective wisdom to get through unpredictable times.
Strengthening relationships & shaping lessons
Wisdom embedded in our DNA tells us that working to strengthen our relationships during uncertain times is key to building family and children's resilience. We
can always offer reassurance by saying what so many of our grandparents said to us: "This too shall pass, and you'll get through this with me by your side."
The best way to protect our children is to shape the lessons gained during difficult times. We do so best when we intentionally manage our own feelings and experiences and show them how we cope with uncertainty.
Below are some of the feelings many of us experience during uncertain times. These are paired with the chance they offer us to model and teach lifelong resilience skills.
"I feel like I am failing." Learning self-forgiveness
Perfection is never an option, and getting even closer to your goals is harder during unpredictable times. Know that if you forgive yourself and focus on the good in yourself through self-compassion, your child or adolescent will learn to be a bit gentler with themselves. That is lifelong protection.
"My kids are frustrated, and so am I." Learning to empathize
One of the most respectful things we can do is genuinely understand someone else's point of view. The best way for children to gain this perspective is by benefitting from it firsthand. You build their empathy for others by working to understand their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
"I don't know how to handle how I feel." Processing and releasing emotions
A time of uncertainty with heightened emotions is the time to show that emotions are not to be ignored. Our children must learn from us that:
"I want to pull my hair out." Creating a safe haven within our homes
You can love your child and still sometimes want to tear your hair out. We all have bad days when the stress load is high. We cannot control the outside world, but we create sanctuaries within our homes. With peace in our homes, we can better handle the outside world.
"I need a time out." Being a calming presence for others
In moments when the future is unclear and our minds begin racing, the presence of a reassuring voice makes all the difference.
"I don't know how to respond." Being clear and honest with yourself and others
Say what you do know. Admit what you don't.
"My mind feels out of control." Maintaining physical health strengthens emotional health
Strong bodies support our minds to best navigate the circumstances we confront. Say out loud: "I'm going to exercise. If I don't take care of my body, I can't focus as well."
"I keep thinking about the worst-case scenario." Staying present and living in reality
Uncertainty can make our minds race to the worst possible outcome. Catch those thoughts and say, "I am imagining the worst. Let me focus on what is really happening."
Young people can assume the worst because they have not yet had the experience to know that problems can come and go. Let them know, "You'll get through this with me by your side."
"I feel helpless." Finding what you can do
Few things create discomfort more than feeling like there is too much to do . . . or nothing you can do at all. And few things restore comfort more than tackling what you can. Model the importance of one of the most calming words: "Yet."
"I'll NEVER ______!" can transform into "I haven't ______ yet." Don't accept failure or disappointment as permanent but instead view setbacks as opportunities to try
yet again.
"I can't do everything." Learning to let go
Stay healthy, strong, and compassionate. Take care of those who are vulnerable. Let family members know they are precious. Do what it takes to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Everything else can always wait.
"I am so disappointed." Finding joy, giving service and maintaining purpose
Help your children see the difference they can make in others' lives and how good it feels to give service. This may enhance their own resilience because they'll learn the joy of giving. More importantly, they'll learn there is no pity in receiving.
"I had so many plans that aren't working out." When you can't change things, adapt
Focus on what you
can make a reality and what you
can do.
"I can't go through this alone." Relationships strengthen us.
When times get tough, people unify. We hold those we love nearer and offer those who are vulnerable the extra support they deserve.
"Will things ever be the same?" Hope
Resilience is about more than bouncing back. It is about adapting. Growing. Becoming stronger. Being ready for the next challenge, but also being prepared to savor all the good life has to offer.
"Our community needs to come together." Shared values
Sometimes during challenging times, some people use divisive language. This is deeply unsettling to children and adolescents. We must reinforce our shared values and common humanity.
Remember
Uncertainty is frightening, but knowing that we are not alone to figure it out brings comfort. Any individual alone is vulnerable, but joined together we are stronger than the combination of each of our individual strengths. People together can take turns between drawing strength from others and being a source of strength. We overcome challenges when we come together to remind each other that we belong to one another.
More information
About Dr. Ginsburg
Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, is author of several AAP books,
Building Resilience in Children and Teens, 4th Edition,
Congrats You’re Having a Teen: Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person andLighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child with Loving guidance for a Lifelong Bond. He practices Adolescent Medicine at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and is a Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. Dr. Ginsburg directs Health Services at Covenant House Pennsylvania, where he serves Philadelphia's youth enduring homelessness, and is also Founding Director of The Center for Parent and Teen Communication. His AAP multimedia toolkit, "Reaching Teens: Strength-Based, Trauma-Sensitive, Resilience-Building Communication Strategies Rooted in Positive Youth Development," prepares professionals to be the adults young people deserve in their lives.
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